My son is 19 and has no prospects. He's depressed cause he doesn't have a girlfriend. He's now in a spiral where he's lost confidence but you need confidence to meet girls. On top of that, he goes to a community college where people seem to just show up for classes and then get out of there, unlike regular colleges where it can be one big social gathering.
I don't know what to tell him or where he can go to meet girls. He's a good kid, not ugly but he's overeating now and putting on weight. Not fat but chubby which works against him a bit.
It's affecting his school work. He's just sitting in his room online and playing games almost like he's given up. Any advice from you folks around that age?
I'm 19 as well, and I don't have a girlfriend too. But keeping myself busy with other things helps. (like, assembly programming :) )
I'd suggest you let him do something that others can look up to. Then he may get more self confidence.
Hope it helps.
Stan
Hello!
From my experience, the best thing in this case is a friend. They will push each other and find the ... guts (?) to make the step...
When I met my girl, there was just one thing in my mind: "Remember that she's a human being, too. The smartest, most beautifull, ..,., but just a human being!". It took me a year, but it's worthing!!! :)
Well, that's all I can think of. Hope it will help...
Best regards,
Nick
Hello!
This is a very important question nowdays. I meet and see unhappy people with the same problem all the time. There are two things that came into my attention, and I thought about several times.
1. Why is it so important to get a girlfriend at all? I mean, of course it is important to be accepted by the other sex and for a boy or a young man it is very important to have a proof on his male features. (I might not express myself correctly.)
The point I'd like to get to is, that to want a relationship, a girlfriend crampedly seldom succeeds, it won't succeed at other areas of life either. The life of the yougsters, the many TV shows and general attitude drive young people to think they MUST get a relationship.
2. My advice is to encourage such people to improve themselfs. To learn something, to improve their skills, to fill their lives with real hobbies, work, sport. To earn self esteem and confidence is achieved by success, to do activities that bring success is very helpful. This activities, especially those being done in public, with mates (like sports) can give excellent opportunity to meet girls as well.
Finally, I experience the same problems in my generation, among the 28-30 year old. Mainly they don't have a goal, the just live day by day. They don't try to make their lives rich and colorful, but think that a mate, a girlfriend or boyfriend would change everything. That is not true!
I guess I got to phylosofical, I'm sorry.
Briefly, I'd recommend to spend the sparetime with worthy activities, among friends, mates. I definitly not to spend too much time in front of the computer. (this is a strange statement on an online forum :bg )
I wish you the best!
Greets, Gábor
I agree with Gabor at second point. With a young person, I would say that it's important to have a talk to make him/her think about his goals in life. But not the old "What are you going to do with your life??!!" but a real talk, to find out (if you don't know already) about his/her passions, about things he/she's good about, and to provide as many informations about that and help in that direction as you can. As long as a pearson has a goal and does something to rich that, that person will have self confidence.
And this is the only must to meet a person to love. :snooty:
Nick
You're asking a bunch of nerds about meeting girls? :lol
Firstly, reassurance - it is a phase, and he will snap out of it. If you can't be depressed about girls when you're a teenager, when can you?
In a way, it can be a good thing. Motivation to improve comes from hardship - those people who simply float along in life do so because there is no challenge to it (it may not be the best, but it's not bad enough to induce a need for improvement.) It's these low points that drive people to improve their situation.
Secondly, the aim is not to get a girlfriend. That may be what he thinks he wants, but it's the wrong thing to focus on. The aim is to get to know people and make friends (some of whom may happen to be female.) In classes this is as simple as sitting next to someone and at some point talking to them (about what? something, nothing, anything, a quick remark, smartass comment - it doesn't matter) or they may even talk to him ("can I borrow a pen?") Friendships stem from there.
As for you - take an interest in what he's doing/what he wants to do. This alone will increase his confidence by giving a sense of worth.
My son seems to have some of his social interactions through MySpace and IM. His friends are there and the girls seems to understand how that works. He chats with them first, so there is a low stress contact point, so that, if he does meet them later, he has some familiarity with the girl for the first date.
It seems to me the paid dating sites are hard on the person. My Brother and others that I know, has had several problems with paid sites.
My brother recommends www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com (http://www.doubleyourdatingprogram.com) as a personal trainer of sorts for dating.
Regards, P1 :8)
Doc,
One of the secrets of my youth was to understand that the ladies are human beings first before being targets, girlfriends, babes etc .... and generally respond well to being treated like human being rather than the alternative. I learnt early in the piece to get on well with OLD ladies as they are no different to the young ones, just a lot smarter and a lot more tolerant as they know you are not after them as targets.
If you can connect this to him, he will get a lot more confident and relaxed with the ladies and find it a lot easier to talk to them. maybe you can point him at some high activity sport as it will get the weight off him and also make him feel more confident as he gets fit and healthy.
Its a round about way of solving the problem but it has a good track record if its done right. Maybe you could sell him the idea that making MONEY realy helps with the ladies. :bg
some history told us:
- because of women, his kaiserdom has been lost.
- because of women, his career has been lost.
- because of women, his riches has been lost.
- because of women, his lives has been lost.
hence, carefully...and careful again.
you must provide a lot of stuffs to be lost.
if you have not this, don't touch them, and can't touch them.
In 5 years time he will look back and laugh...in the meantime here's a bit of a laugh
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six_L,
don't be so pessimistic, there will be always guys who will success :8)
Hey Guys,
If I may, Im now 33 and not married but I have a wonderful girlfriend of 3 years so things are looking up. When I was the son's age I was a bit of a prodigy with the computer. I spent my school ride home on the bus writing programs on a legal pad because I didn't yet have a computer. I went on to be one of the youngest kids I have known to write software for a few businesses in town because of my parent's support. When I decided that girls and friends were more important I let it all go. From 1990 until about 1998 I didn't write a touch of code, I missed the whole thing. In fact, I was barely able to use the internet in that meantime. A shame. Im now here trying to catch back up. I put a premium on social expectation back then that ended up not being worth a bit of self worth. I have dated a ton of girls and done a bunch of stupid things and because I didn't realize that my technical hobby was worth so much I have had to spend a lot of time getting back on track with what I am really good at and what really means the world to me. I botched college and I am now working full time and trying to finish my degree as an adult. I see that as a mistake. If the boy has a focus besides just what being a teenager is all about then Im not so sure that worry is necessary. If he hides behind other things to avoid his social activities then maybe he's not ready to be what everyone else expects. I wish I wouldn't have been so quick to not be a nerd because I just treaded water throughout my 20's trying to be good at being cool when in fact I was really good at not being cool but being myself. Kinda longwinded, sorry for that, but I had a point in there somewhere. Sometimes popularity isn't all that it looks.
jon
what's a success?
according to some different criterion, the result is different.
everyone can't suppose to must get a success whlie he does something. the only thing is as enough as he can do. if don't be such as this. the mental burden will be carried.
wish everyone to be success. :bg